I so don’t know what to do with myself today.
I am feeling odd. I am sad but not for any good reason.
It has not helped that a friend of a friend has died ( not that I even knew them in the slightest) and they are also sad which has fuled me into a depression spiral. I hate it when people die and you remember everyone you have seen go and it brings your mortality into perspective.
I am not the kind of person who dwels on my own mortality at all as I am always living life to the full. Well trying to. But feeling like this makes me think about everything in far too much detail.
I hate it when you are kind of seeing someone and you have been spending elongated periods of time with them and then you have a long time apart.
It makes me miss them even if I don’t like them that much.
It is even worse when you don't know how they feel about you or how you feel about them.
I hate it when I start thinking too much and start reading into things that don't even exist. I always do this and it just depresses me. I have been having the best time I have had in ages and its not just because I have been getting some.
I think I am just missing the point and not appreciating my own down time.
I few weeks ago I was in a self induced social coma and I was loving it. I need to get back into this mind frame but just not so far. I swear I am bi-pola. I have mega highs and mega lows but nothing in between.
All I really want is to know where I stand and what is happening. At the moment I feel completely out of controll and I don’t like it. I don’t normally have a problem with this. Yesterday I was just loving the journey and couldn't even care less where it was going but today is a different matter entirely.
I think I am being stupid. I have recently raised my game loads and I have done this in a completely contrived and calculated way.
I had my hair done, got nearly an entire new wardrobe, got a new house, job and nearly a new social circle. I have been exploring my independence buy driving everywhere and going to see my friends in St Ives. All these are things I have carefully considered and thought about for a long time. I have worked my arse off to get them and I love them.
So the questions is why do I feel so crap and stupid?
They obviously are all working because I managed to pull so when why am I not happy yet.
I think that I am going to concentrait on my new house and my college project. I just need to apply myself.
I think some of the reason I am feeling stupid is because all my current projects are almost over. I have my great hair, great wardrobe, great house and stuff. It’s a bit of an anticlimax.
I have nothing to work for at the moment. I need that level of interest to keep me up.
So, I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it. I am going to read loads of my book this lunch time as well as sorting out all the other thing that I have been meaning to do for ages. I might even buy myself a little treat for my new house. I think it will be something fabulous. Maybe some 50's style kitchen implements.
Working my way through my feelings like this is so cathartic its not even funny.
I feel much better already.
Have fun and remember…have a project and get on with it.
Russ.